Monday, April 03, 2006
Golden Balls gets his knickers in a (Pepsi) twist.
I hate to re-use the same vernauclar yet again but...STOP THE PRESS!
Jesus H Christ!( known to some as David Beckham) The world-renowned, revered and respected footballer has obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). Welcome to the club mah man! Let's hope he can do great things for the cause of sufferers.
Mind you, the philanderous philistine can still implement product placement in the description of his symptoms, so it can't be that detrimental to his lifestyle. Or maybe he's just too obsessed with being a poster child for shameless consumerism. The boy can't help it!
Friday, March 17, 2006
Oooh baby you want me?
David Keith Barton
Personal Information :
Marital status: Married
DOB: 9th November 1979
Place of Birth: Carshalton, Surrey UK.
Objective: Having achieved a good first degree, and with only the dissertation of my Master’s degree to complete. I am looking for a position that will enable to apply my editorial and journalistic skills to a more creative, media-orientated environment. I want to continue my employment within public relations, as I have found myself naturally suited to the demands of this sector. I write confidently, have a good eye for detail, and a hard worker with creative flair: one who thrives both as a team member and as an individual assigned to specific tasks. I am a naturally confident, approachable person, who lives to work. It has long been my intention to live and work in the USA, and would welcome any opportunity to do so.
Education: 09/99 - 06/02: University of Plymouth, Faculty of Arts and Education, Douglas Avenue, Exmouth, Devon. BA (Hons) Theatre and Performance Studies. First Class Honours achieved. Refs : Mr D Coslett and Dr R Mock.
10/04-Present: University of Sussex, School of Humanities, Falmer Campus, Brighton, East Sussex. MA in Film Studies. I have completed the taught component of the course and am to complete my dissertation over the next academic year.
Interests and activities: Theatre and drama were my main interests at school and university. My degree course truly allowed me to explore a plethora of creative ideas, which has proved most beneficial to my own personal development and to my appreciation of the arts. I gained much from hard work through engagement with my studies, and was able to enhance my understanding and interest with my MA in Film. I have in the past been a member of the National Film Theatre, a membership I am keen to renew in the next few months since moving back to the South East. I take a keen interest in many aspects of art and culture, read extensively related newspaper and magazine articles, keeping abreast of my main fields of interest. My particular areas of interest lie in World and American Independent cinema, particularly the work of filmmaker Harmony Korine, whose work will form the basis of my MA dissertation. Whenever I can, I attend to my works in progress; developing and writing documentary ideas, screenplays, poetry and short stories. I have had some degree of success with short story writing - I recently won the sum of £600, in an online literature competition, which was chosen from other entries by the British novelist, Jake Arnott. I am also a keen photographer and have examples of my work feature in a variety of trade magazines. I have co-directed a documentary feature film, which was an excellent learning experience.
Other qualifications: 1993 -1998 Tunbridge Wells Grammar School for Boys, St Johns Rd, Tunbridge Wells, Kent. 1996 - 10 GCSE’s A* - C, 1998 - 3 “A” Levels : Theatre Studies, History and English. Ref: Mr D Barnard.
Languages: French : I have an excellent reading ability in the language and very good command of speaking and of listening. I make use of my language skills on a daily basis in my current role and am taking private tuition to enhance my ability.
Current Employment: 06/05 - Present
SE10 Creative, UK; Account Executive.
My current role is as a PR journalist, working for a international Public Relations company which has a variety of construction and lifting equipment manufacturers as its major clients. I write press releases on a daily basis, which are subsequently submitted to, and published in trade journals and magazines. I also write related articles that feature in clients’ in-house magazines and publications. Some of my photography work has been published in similar fashions. I have also received personal commendations from one of our client companies when I successfully devised a name for a new product they had had difficulty branding.
1998 - 1999 Azgard Insurance Brokers, Ladycross Farm, Hollow Lane, Dormansland, Surrey. RH7 6JG : Junior Office Clerk. Duties included: telephone operation, computation, letter composition, use of PDQ, client liaison, insurance quotations, banking. Ref: Mr W Hobbs.
2000 - 2002 WHSmith Ltd, Magnolia Walk, Exmouth, Devon. Shop Assistant. Duties included: customer service, till operation, stock rotation, operation of Lottery machine. Ref: Mr G Kirby.
10/2002 -02/ 2003 TBC, 4 Bray Place, London SW7 7DW, Sales Consultant. Duties included: customer service, use of tills, sales of goods, use of direct marketing techniques.
03/2003 - 08/2004 Inland Revenue, Plascrug, Aberystwyth, Ceredigion. SY23 1TH, Civil Servant. Duties Include: Reception work, operation of telephone switchboard, filing, organisation of taxation forms, letter composition, mentoring and organising staff workshops. Ref: Mrs K Wise.
08/04-05/2005 Inland Revenue, Regent Hill, Brighton. East Sussex BN1 3ES; Recovery Officer. Operation of various debt collection software, telephone support for taxpayers, advising of debt repayment options, issuing warning letters and preparing cases for commissioners hearings and for distraint calls. Ref: Mr S Fagg
Mr W Hobbs; Azgard Insurance Brokers, Ladycross Farm, Hollow Lane Dormansland, Surrey. RH7 6JG.
Mr G Kirby, WHSmith Ltd, Magnolia Walk, Exmouth, Devon.
Mr M Matthews, King St Picture House, Little King St, East Grinstead, West Sussex.
Mrs K Wise, Inland Revenue, Plascrug, Stanley Rd, Aberystwyth, Ceredigion
Mr S Fagg, Inland Revenue, Regent Hill, Brighton, East Sussex BN1 3ES
Mr D Coslett, Head of Theatre and Performance Studies, Faculty of Arts and Education, Douglas Avenue, Exmouth, Devon.
Dr R Mock, Senior Lecturer, Dept of Theatre and Performance Studies, Faculty of Arts and Education, Douglas Avenue, Exmouth, Devon.
Mr D Barnard, Tunbridge Wells Grammar School for Boys, St Johns Rd, Tunbridge Wells, Kent.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Maybe he’s born with it….maybe it’s Sertraline!
That’s the medication I’ve been taking for the past year. It’s an anti-depressant; an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor – I think!), Don’t get me wrong, I’m not depressed (can’t stand miserable bastards) it helps me manage my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
In order to avoid this blog’s descent into an episode of Ricki Lake (is she still on?)/ a This Morning spacka special with Dr Raj Persaud, I won’t bore you with the ins and outs of the condition, so let’s get personal out of the way. (Cue violins) Long have I suffered the indignity of harm avoidance (batteries, bleach, dirt, knives), held back the inclination to publicly vent frustrations (insulting random strangers, destroying valuable objects and moments of casual self-harm – my favorite was the fact I damn near became incontinent, so fierce was the urge to swallow my tongue) and endured unrelenting fads that have plagued my sorry brain.
So now it’s common knowledge, in the public domain, that my head officially has issues – which will probably come as no great surprise to many who know me. I will however, tell all of you out there how great the meds have been in helping me deal.
OCD is linked to anxiety, which can be counteracted by serotonin (as I understand it). So once, the edge is taken of the anxiety, the urges lessen and so does the paranoia. Simple. One minute you’re secretly dowsing your dick in the bathroom sink because you ‘might have put it near a surface that may have been contaminated by battery acid’, and the next you’re functioning like a normal human being, but one who is more gregarious than usual.
I found that the change was rapid and of course, positive. In fact I truly think that if it hadn't been for the meds, I wouldn't have got the job in which I am currently employed. I feicided aorund this time last year that despite half-finishing my Master's degree I needed to secure some form of meaningful employment, to deliver me from the tunnel-vision of academia and the hell of a part-time job in the tax office. Too long had I unfruitfully served Her Unknowing Majesty. I had begun to degenerate into something of an office deviant; deploying lengthy creative texts to fellow employees, in order to alleviate the mind-numbing boredom that comes with the employ of HMRC.
Anyhow, initial anxieties soon gave way to a strange serenity - a realization that I could get which ever-fucking-job-I-wanted-and-if-they don't-want-me-they're-the-ones-missing-out. I also seemed to acquire whole suitcases of confidence, almost, to use a much hackneyed term, 'as if by magic'. Within a few weeks and a host of rejection letters, I had some solid gold interviews in the bag, and even more surprisingly, three jobs offers at once. I of course accepted them all immediately, and even went for two weeks worth of training for one, before I got the call from my current boss. I owe it all to the drugs, and to the excessive amounts of caffeine I took to bolster their effects. I suppose I have to give some credit to the OCD itself - to the enormous sense of bewildering desperation it brings - that if harnessed properly, can pay dividends. I'm living proof.
Monday, March 13, 2006
STOP THE PRESS! - Rubbing white slimy goo on your face will cure aging - YET AGAIN!
However, such is the nature of culture, that those high-end indulgences trickle down the distilling tower, until they become well acquainted with those lurking in the basest reaches of the sociological spectrum - the masses.
These desires of course, most of the time, reach the contemptible proles via the medium of television, and indeed there are a whole host of accessible products for the average consumer to spend their hard-earned moolah on. The latest of these televised shenanigans of harlotry involves a substance calling itself 'Olay Regenerist', manufactured (you guessed it) by those charlatans who purport to be able to revise the aging process.
Endorsed by one Nadine Baggott (picture Lightning from Gladiators' still very fuckable Mum) who benignly presides over us viewers with the dignity of top-end escort (cool, detached but willing to hitch up her skirt at the promise of a scotch egg), diligently delivering the gospel truth about a substance that appears to share its name with a newly discovered group of Greek islands - Pentapeptides.
Ms Baggott begins by telling us that she currently holds the title 'Celebrity Beauty Editor' - which I find fascinating (does she edit the beauty of celebrities - hence airbrush out their flaws? or does the vain cow assume that this ad, her inaugaural television appearance, bestows this editor of beauty with instant celebrity status?) - and as if by magic, the screen then us divides into five sections, each designed to uphold and support Bagott's bewildering claim of employment status, showing her hard at it in her supposed working environment.
Baggott's voice continues: "And in my job, I learn lots of celebrity beauty secrets", the screen is spilt in two at this point and it is here we see the true measure of the Baggott profile. Her moronic smile accentuates a second chin, as something resembling Vanessa Feltz/Fern Britton emerges before us. She obviously didn't learn shit about composure from her famous chums.Against the continuing soundtrack, we are treated to yet more montage of Baggott earning her crust - my personal favorite being a shot which involves a chuckling Baggott, a defiant look of success about her face, clicking her fingers with delight, in celebration of some minor triumph(presumably, how to turn on a computer).
As a presumably gifted scientist, Baggott defines Pentapedtides as "the hottest anti-aging ingredients around...tiny bits of protein molecules that help to renew the skins surface". Protein? Meat?? This leads me to questions what exactly these 'pentapeptides' are derived from. Using the most up to date research techniques - (doing a Google on the word) - I came up with a starling discovery. According to a biology paper, published on Carnegie Mellon University's website -"E. coli's cell wall is made up of molecules called.....(wait for it...) pentapeptides" (http://info.bio.cmu.edu/Courses/03441/TermPapers/2000TermPapers/group2/resi-mech.html). And to think such people get funny about what they eat, but think nothing of smearing bacterium-derived slimy white matter on their face.
Other sources reveal that pentapeptides are in fact amino acids, that have in the past been used to heal wounds by regenerating cells.The MILF Baggott continues to witter on about the cost of pentapeptides presumably equating to a celebrity wage - thus the annual GDP of Surinam - but then reveals that in fact that some bright spark at Proctor and Gamble has already had the initiative to bottle these morsels of doom - not in the interests of public hygiene, but to sell to the general populous at a price of merely twenty UK pounds. Delighted by this information Baggott extends a condescending glance to those about to spend their life savings on such frivolity - "hardly a celebrity price", she inanely advises.
My take on all this (despite the superfluous descriptions above) is simple - if you really want perfect skin, you will try any crazy scheme you can, and avoid the most obvious solution at all costs, because it is about as appealing as having a python shoved slowly up your arse - leading a life of saintly abstinence from toxins and recreational pollutants. This of course is unthinkable - that the vain regularly engage with and congregate in institutions where such substances are rife, in order to parade their enhanced attributes.
Fair fucks, we can't all afford plastic surgery, and products such as 'Degenerist' are easily obtainable, but a word of caution - where lathering copious amounts of decomposed foreskins and bacterial meat-infestations into the furrows of your forehead may make you beautiful, don't fool yourself into thinking that face jissom of any description will make any drastic alterations to the inner self, which last time I checked, was still being touted as the best measure of attractiveness.